It's not over in a year...

The notion that everything is good to go after a year baffles my mind. Your person, loved one, friend, child, spouse, sibling, best friend or team mate died and you just don’t “recover, get over and move on after the first year.”

How insane is that!

As a clinician, I have sat with the bereaved time and time again. From the most gut wrenching of deaths to the most peaceful of passing, not one of them stated they “ were over it,” after a year.

They perhaps learned to live WITH their grief, walked through the grocery aisle without crying for the first time or stumbled through the paperwork to close off their loved ones life on this planet…but they remembered their person with every breath they have.

This coming week will mark the first death anniversary of my son, Owyn on November 29th.

I can’t imagine that I have recovered…I survived.

As I say that, there were times I did not want to, some will truly understand that.

I had a friend who shared with me in the early months, that the worst part of all of this, is that I will survive. Boy did that sting when he said it, but I discovered, he wasn't wrong.

How could I wake up each day without my son being alive?

Yet some how I did.

I have white knuckled insurance companies and braced for the most inappropriate statements, been ghosted by many people ( they are hurting as well or this is too much for them) and my grief has knocked me on my ass more times than I can count. The past version of myself no longer exsists, my person died ...I am forever changed because of that. 

However my grief has also showed me how much love I have, how much gratitude I have for the kindness people gave me. Strangers literally picked me, stopped me on the street or in a restaurant, shared a story or simply gave a hug. Grief gave me clarity in the fog and boundaries where the lines were once blurred. I also found my that beliefs shifted tremendously, I know how to surrender to the unknown and I found purpose in my pain.

Let’s be clear, it always drove me nuts that on December 31 at the stroke of midnight…January 1 everything was fresh and new..was it?

Not at all.

The year after someone dies, is just that. The year you pulled yourself up time and time again to go to work, to show up, put a smile on your face and push through the days you didn’t think you could. And yet mixed in through those horrific days, were glimmers of the love you poured into your person. You cooked their favourite meal, laughed at a story someone shared about them, smirk as you try to find the tool they put away and can't find , you may possibly thought you saw them in their style of car that they once drove or you caught a scent of their perfumer or cologne and sat in the bedroom that was theirs.

If you are like me, the year does not magically cure you and if a clinician said that, I am so sorry you were misled.

Yes, there are so many firsts you need to figure out in the beginning months but there will be SO many more firsts without them that are not in that first year.

The graduation, their siblings wedding, the purchase of a home, the trip that you always talked about, the land you wanted to pass down and the milestone you hit that they pushed you to achieve….all of those will happen in the years to come.

What I can say about the first year, is that you learn a great deal about yourself. That you actually broke into a million pieces, never felt so alone, there were days no light could be found and the pain was so crushing you physically could not breathe. But you also discovered the courage, strength, bravely that you never thought possible. You choose to ask for support, go for the walk, dance in the rain and smile because they lived.

If you are reading this, I am glad you are here.

I see you. I too felt all those emotions and more.

As you step into another year without your person, take a moment to pause.

Breathe deep and trust in the unfolding. It's tough, I get it. Your future plans are blurred.

The right people will be with you, new pages in your book are to be written and your person is in the quiet whispers... you just need to listen.

Continue to breathe

Erin

Take aways:

If this resonates with you or know someone who could use some encouragement please share the link or blog, so they are not alone.

Before you see your friends/family who are grieving, take a moment before you say anything. Ask how today is not if they recovered?

If you are struggling today, reach out to a trusted friend, search for a counsellor in your area or virtual, go for that walk to be in nature, love on the family pet extra hard today or give yourself permission to rest today.

Grief is work, we forget that.